Asexual meaning and definition - What is asexual?
Sexuality plays an important role in our identity and sense of self. It’s interwoven into our daily lives - from the content we consume, to our boozy catch-ups bonding over shared sexual experiences, or cringing at embarrassing sex stories and bedroom icks.
But our orientation goes well beyond sex, and we are more than how we decide to explore our sexual behaviours. Despite this, a common misconception that persists is that everyone experiences some form of sexual attraction. In fact, according to a study conducted earlier by Stonewall and Ipsos UK (global leaders in market research) 2% now identify as asexual in the UK - meaning there's around 134,000 people ace folks.
However, the 2021 census, which included questions about sexual orientation for the first time, found that 0.006% of the population identify as asexual. Whatever the number, it's still important to be aware of asexuality and the issues ace people experience.
We spoke to Laura Clarke, sex educator, LGBTQIA+ sex expert, and founder of My Body & Yours, and Yasmin Benoit, model, writer and award-winning asexual activist to gain insight into what being part of the asexuality spectrum means.
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What does asexuality mean?
An asexual person is an individual who experiences little to no sexual attraction to other people. “It’s about sexual attraction, not libido, not arousal, not activity,” Benoit explains. Asexuality, just like all sexual orientations, has a diverse spectrum of attitudes, emotions and experiences and has been frequently referred to as the “invisible orientation”.
Clarke also emphasises the importance of acknowledging that asexuality is not synonymous with sexual abstinence or celibacy. “There are ace folks who may not feel sexual attraction towards anyone while others will experience limited sexual attraction (sometimes identifying as greysexual or grey-ace),” she says. “For others, sexual attraction is only felt in specific circumstances like once a strong emotional connection has been established (known as demisexuality). For any sexual orientation, there is no one-size-fits-all — all ace people will have a unique relationship with their asexuality.”
When it comes to the lack of knowledge around ace awareness, Clarke describes the contribution Western culture has had. “Sexual, heterosexual, monogamous relationships are portrayed as ideals that we should strive for. Any deviation from this mould whether it's asexuality, queerness, or polyamory breaks gender and societal norms," she adds. “For those of us who feel sexual attraction, it can be hard to imagine that others are not so afflicted.”
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While some ace people prefer non-romantic relationships some opting for intimate and non-sexual bonds that extend beyond friendship (known as queerplatonic relationships) according to a recent study on understanding the romantic differences among asexual-identifying people 74% of ace people experience romantic attraction. Clarke explains that ace people can also identify as aromantic ‘aro’ (someone who experiences limited, or no, romantic attraction) or alloromantic (someone who does experience romantic attraction).”
There can be an overlap between the two identities, not everyone who identifies as aro is also ace. Ace people can also experience multiple types of attraction and their capacity for attraction and desire doesn’t always have to stay the same. During their lifetime, an ace person can become sexual later in life and it’s also possible for sexual people to become asexual.
How do you know if you’re asexual?
As with all sexual discovery, it’s a personal assessment of your sexuality and exploring how you feel often over time. “Although I wasn’t 100% sure of whether asexuality was a real thing, I knew what I wanted and what I didn’t,” Benoit states. “I’ve always had a good understanding of my body, preferences, and desires so I’ve never been dependent on other people’s input for my confidence or empowerment.”
Benoit adds that she came into her asexuality around the same time her peers started claiming she wasn’t expressing sexuality in the way that was expected. “During early puberty, I started to think that I might be different. But, of course, at that age, you assume that it’s something that’s going to kick in. It became a thing in my school to try and work out what was ‘wrong’ with me, and they came up with some inappropriate theories.”
When considering whether you may be asexual, Laura advises examining how sex makes you feel, your views on giving and receiving affection and if there are any physical acts you enjoy. “It might be worth talking about it with a loved one. If you have an ace friend, ask if they'd feel comfortable speaking with you.” Clarke says. “You also don’t need to feel repulsed by sex for your asexuality to be valid.”
When it comes to exploring your asexuality, Clarke explains the importance of practicing self-patience. “There’s no rush to figure out or put a label on your identity. You also shouldn’t feel that you need to try having sex if this isn’t something you want to do.”
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Common myths and misconceptions surrounding asexuality
“A common misconception is that ace people don't feel arousal or ever have sex,” says Clarke. “Attraction, desire, and arousal are all very different things. Ace people may indeed feel arousal, but this is not necessarily triggered by attraction to another person.
“Ace people may masturbate, and lots of ace people will also have sex for numerous reasons such as procreation, intimacy, or even because their partner is allosexual, and they enjoy giving them pleasure.” Clarke points out that it’s a common microaggression for ace people to experience being told that they haven’t found the right person yet or their asexuality will be reversed when they have good enough sex. Clarke emphasises the importance of validating someone’s asexual identity to prevent ace-erasure. “If someone tells you they are asexual — believe them. Ace people are susceptible to being coerced or pressured into taking part in sexual activity they don't want to partake in to try and "cure" them of their asexuality. This is assault, it is illegal and unacceptable.”
Benoit reveals she experienced many microaggressions since coming out as asexual, including accusations of having suffered abuse to being told she is another queer orientation. “They’re all centred around debunking your asexuality because any other explanation is somehow better than just accepting that you’re asexual.” In a bid to highlight the fact that acephobia is a very real thing, Yasmin has teamed up with Stonewall. “I launched the UK’s first asexual rights initiative in partnership with Stonewall, the Stonewall x Yasmin Benoit Ace Project. We’re producing a report into asexual discrimination in the UK to protect the community from it.”
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Support for navigating asexuality
There can be a lot of confusion when you're first discovering your sexuality. When you don't feel understood, connecting with your loved ones or peers can be challenging. There are a variety of online communities providing support for the ace community, including:
The process of seeking outside support in therapy can also be overwhelming, and finding the right therapist to support you can take a lot of trial and error. Clarke suggests selecting therapists who specialise in LGBTQ+ issues, “Try emailing them to enquire about their knowledge of asexuality. Many therapists offer a free introductory session so you could use it as an opportunity to discuss your needs about your asexuality.” She advises. “I also highly recommend contacting MindOut, a mental health charity for LGBTQ+ people. They may be able to point you in the right direction or offer some more advice about how to navigate your mental health and wellbeing as an ace person.”
“The National LGBT Survey 2018 found that we’re 10% more likely to be offered or to undergo conversion therapy than other orientations. In my research with Stonewall, I’ve heard a lot from asexual people who have been through that, and it’s often happened when they’re tried to access mental health services for other reasons.” Benoit adds. “If you’re struggling to find an inclusive therapist, at least that means that you’re aware of the risks and trying to find someone who is right for you – which is great. Do your due diligence and remember that – no matter what anyone says – there’s nothing wrong with being asexual. It doesn’t mean that you’re sick, you don’t need to be fixed and it isn’t necessarily the side-effect of anything. If your therapist doesn’t understand that, then they’ll do more harm than good.”
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How to be an ace ally
Clarke outlines some of the helpful ways you can become to an ace ally today:
- Don’t label someone against their will
- If your ace friend feels comfortable ask them to tell you more about how they experience asexuality so you can better understand
- Keep your questions appropriate and avoid crossing the line from learning to prying
- Don't hesitate to ask how you can help them, if anything makes them feel uncomfortable, excluded, or misunderstood, and listen to what they have to say, while letting them know they don't have to share anything they don't want to
- You should pay attention to your jokes and conversations with your friends, not to tiptoe around ace people, but to be a little more sensitive
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